Questions For The Sparrow-legged Man,
The N.E.O.P. Co. and U.W. and L., Inc. Employee Of The Month
Interview Conducted by Jan Van Bampus
1) Where were you born?
I was hatched under a bridge in the middle of winter last year.
2) How did you come to be sparrow-legged?
I used a special solution - an unguent, really - composed of gristle and raspberries. It will work on anyone if they use it for a sufficient length of time. It stinks real bad, though!
3) What is your affiliation with the Newe Englande Orange Powder Companie?
I am the Head Supervisor of Rejected Crusts at the N.E.O.P. plant in Beltsnap, California. I make $437.98 an hour.
4) Please tell us about your recent experience at the Achievement Table.
Well, I took several formidable swigs of juice there. I was very pleased to have had such an opportunity - the press has been good for my career as a sleeping policeman!
5) We have heard that you've been crying in your milk . . .
Yes, I have. I like my milk a little salty, but I'm out of salt.
6) You have quite a music collection....
No, that's someone else. I do have a glass jar of congealed bacon grease in the fridge, though....
7) Are you a hopeless romantic?
Yes, yes - always pining and sobbing am I. I love to stand in the wind.
8) Is your wife sparrow-legged as well?
No, she refuses to use the gristly unguent. She has real nice tits, though!
9) Please count to 10.
Ein, zwei drei quatre, funf, seis, sept, acht, nueve, ten. Elf and zwolf make vignt-trois.
10) Tell us about your big blue rubber suit.
I bought it from an imp in Madrid. I like to go swimming in it, but I'm a bit shy, so I usually just wear it in the bathtub. Sometimes I fill it with coffee, too, and sell it to the nice young man at the Seven-Eleven downtown. Of course, when I do that I have to rummage through the trash for a few days until I find it again.
11) We understand that you enjoy a nice, fresh omelette....
I may enjoy an omelette now and again, but please don't send me eggs through the mail!
12) Define "evil."
Evil is the stink that comes from Detroit, Michigan.
13) Is your poo really rosy pink?
It really depends on what I eat, but it's always pink around Easter.
14) Tell us about your trip to Brazil.
Oh, that was nine years ago! Still, it was a good trip. I bought a ten gallon hat from Marmoset and Quigley, but I lost it on a windy day. Maybe I'd like a free hat.
15) Do you think the mule train should be brought back?
Oh, no! The mule train's outdated technology would be a silly thing just about now! If they brought that back, they'd have to put the horses back to work, and then there would be horse shit all over the place! No, sir, I like it just fine the way it is now!
16) Didn't you have a part in The Empire Strikes Back?
Yes, I played the tauntaun that Han Solo slit open.
17) Do you need any kind of help?
I need a little help reaching the top shelf, and I also have trouble with Phillip's-head screwdrivers.
18) What do you think of alcoholics?
I'm sure that they're a nice group of people, but I dislike vomit.
19) Are you a leper?
Not right now.
20) Have you ever heard of a fleshy bit called the clitoris?
Yes - my apartment is crawling with them. If you have any clitoris spray, I'd like to borrow it. I mean, one or two are cute, but if you don't get them right away they tell all the other clitori and before you can say "Ticonderoga," they're in the sugar and all over the sink!
21) Explain your involvement with the Coast Guard.
I help them dive for lost playing cards.
22) Did you replace Sherilyn Fenn's eyes?
No, but I'd sure like to see her naked again!
23) Compare and contrast horses and motorcycles.
Horses leave their dung about, just like motorcycles. However, you can take a ride on a motorcycle.
24) Are you able to clot efficiently?
Yes, and it's a good thing! My wife and I save all the scabs in a pickle jar for holiday casseroles and garnishes. I also like to use pulverized scabs for a salt substitute.
25) How about the bronze likeness of yourself in Nürnburg, Germany?
I think you want Albrecht Dürer for that one!
Thank you, Sparrow-legged Man!
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